Who wears a wallet chain?!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
