My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
