I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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