If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
