Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
