I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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