also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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