so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
