I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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