We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
