the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
