I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
