when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
