dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
