fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
