my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize