I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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