she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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