My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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