just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Barsexuality is the new black.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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