Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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