I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
