Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
