bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
