Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
