Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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