omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
