Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
