I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize