it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
