Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She announced her abortion via fbk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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