we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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