I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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