I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize