I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize