I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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