And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
