There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
