How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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