I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
