Need sex. Gaining weight.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Less talking, more tequila
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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