So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
