just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
