U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
