where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
