If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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