forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
