well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
