When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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