I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
