I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
