i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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