Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
