i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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