you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
