he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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