i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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