my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
