Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
